Top 13 Possible Endings For True Detective – By Someone Who Started Watching It Yesterday

My brief relationship with HBO’s “True Detective” has resulted in a lot of unwarranted speculation. The end in sight, I’d like to give one last flight to fancy with my Top Thirteen Best Possible Endings, based on caricatures of genre storytelling. I have known True Detective for less than 48 hours, so I think I’m in a pretty good position here to make a final judgment on what’s likely to happen on air tonight.

1. The Edger Allen Poe Ending

“This hideous murder accomplished, I set myself forthwith and with entire deliberation to the task of concealing the body. If still you think me mad, you will think so no longer when I describe the wise precautions I took.”

Driven to madness with guilt over his murder of Dora Kelly Lange, Rust’s synesthetic hallucinations overwhelm his senses until he is no longer able to tell the past from the present or reality from fantasy.

2. The “Turner and Hooch” Ending

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In this typical and non-supernatural detective story ending, Cohle is gravely wounded in a final confrontation with the Yellow King or his minions (apparently the entire state of Louisiana). He lies on the ground bleeding out while Hart kneels over him crying. Hart begs for forgiveness. Cohle, cool, tells him that everything is behind them. [Alt 1: Same ending, replace Cohle with Hart.]

3. The  “Lethal Weapon” Ending

Similar to above. However, while fighting the green spaghetti monster at Carcosa, McConaughey or Harrelson sustain a seemingly grave injury. While their partner leans over them, weeping, the wounded man reveals that he was wearing a bullet-proof vest. All is well. They share a beer.

4. The “X Files” Ending

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Detectives Cohle and Hart make it to Carcosa based on information given by Sheriff Geraci, where they find evidence of the massive conspiracy covering up the existence of a devil worshiping cult deep in the heart of the bayou. The evidence, while compelling, is locked deep underground in an unknown government facility to protect the reputations of those involved by Detectives Papania and Gilbough, responsible for the cover up of the case.

5. The “Fight Club” Ending

Rust Cohle is revealed to be the Yellow King the whole time, trapped in a mad self-deception. Nearly all of his memories except his time with the Iron Crusaders and his raid on the projects with Ginger are fantasy or self-delusion, corroborated by his partner, Hart, thanks to his need to hide his own wrongdoings.

6. The “LA Confidential” Ending

Detectives Hart and Cohle find out the location of Carcosa thanks to information from Sheriff Geraci. Before they are able to act on this information, however, they are silenced by Detectives Papania and Gilbough.

7. The H.P. Lovecraft Ending

Detective Cohle proceeds into Carcosa alone, his partner Hart’s whereabouts unknown. Deep, dark, deeper than any accursed charnel house known to humans and more evil in scope and grandeur than ever before conceived, he goes. Only the most depraved of minds could fathom what manner of insane ghoulish misdeeds perpetrated in this ancient tomb await him there.

8. The “Departed” Ending

“What is this, a citizen’s arrest? Blow me.”

Cohle, working as a deep undercover DEA agent working on a meth ring drug bust the whole time, closes in on the Yellow King group, only to be betrayed and apprehended by Marty, a company man working as a double agent.

9. The “Blair Witch Project” Ending

Cohle and Hart arrive at Carcosa and find themselves in an active satanic colony. Separated in pursuit of the cult members, they are both captured and murdered off screen. The final scene shows their nude, painted bodies posed on the bayou wearing crowns of antlers.

10. The “Heart of Darkness” Ending

Marty and Rust arrive at Carcosa, completing the journey into madness that begun when they took the case. They meet the Yellow King and are welcomed as brothers, their transition now fully realized.

11. The “Scooby Doo” Ending

Rust and Marty stumble into the lair of the Yellow King and/or his minions -likely including the Tuttles, Joel Theriot, Maggie’s father, various sundry state and local police officers and wealthy community members- unmasking them to the grateful relief of the good folks of Louisiana. Bonus points if some of the missing children are retrieved alive.

12. The “Inside Llewyn Davis” Ending

All of the same shit is going to keep happening to you because you’re an asshole, Hart.

The show’s narrative splits in the last episode, re-starting back at Marty and Rust’s first meeting. They awkwardly go about the business of getting to know each other, reliving the waking nightmare of their lives in a continuous loop.

13. The “Usual Suspects” Ending

“Fucking cops.”

Detective Cohle, having sufficiently stalled the investigation of Detectives Papania and Gilbough, leaves town in a car driven by the man with the scarred lower jaw. Maynard, realizing too late that he had been fooled, smashes the Big Hug Mug in satisfying slow motion. End credits.

Moist Gingerbread Cake Validates Entire Holiday Season

I think we can all agree that the holidays are terrific, food-wise. Carry the feeling of eating too much deliciously-spiced food with you into the joyless polar vortex that is January with this moist gingerbread cake.

I’m always trying to remember which gingerbread cake recipe is the one I like, which is the good one that is warm and sticky where the spices blend together and the whole thing does not taste like a jar of molasses. The answer is: this one. This is that perfect gingerbread recipe.

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Modified from Thibeault’s Table.

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Summer Cocktail: Fer un Vermut

Are you aware that we are in the midst of a vermouth revival? That there are places on earth serving artisanal vermouth out of house casks and draft taps? That there’s some sort of Catalonian culture of casually drinking vermouth before lunch? Vermut refers to a drink, a time of day (noon), and a way of life ( …presumably chillaxing?). Barcelona: still leading the world in hot weather coping.

Vermouth, longtime scourge of gin, really makes a fantastic summer cocktail. Red vermouth is a little bitter, a little nutty, and a little herbal. It’s a wine fortified with spirits and aromatics. Casa Marisol (available in the US) describes their “making process”:

Macabeu wine fermented with selected yeast at low temperature in stainless steel containers. Darkened with unripe green walnuts and macerated with spices and local herbs from Matarrana area. Aged through the traditional system of solera (aging and blending) for a maximum period in wood of 6 months.

Inspired by the massive heat wave of the past week, I picked up a bottle of Vermut Negre and made some cocktails in the Barcelonian style (as described on the bottle). It’s the perfect compromise between a bottle of wine and actually having to make cocktails for your friends.

Let’s grab a drink: Fer un vermut – Continue reading

Supper Club #228 : Pregnant Lady’s Gotta Eat (Pie)

Our two hundred, twenty-eighth supper club meal was prepared in a micro kitchen in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. It was made with a pregnant person in mind, by that same pregnant person, and no pregnant person stone was left unturned. Pickles? Check. Ice cream? Check? Virgin cocktails? You get the picture. The key was the so-called pregnancy power foods: broccoli, leafy greens, lean meats, fruit, nuts, and pie. See below for the full menu.

As it turns out, pregnant people enjoy delicious food. Notably delicious were the blackened snapper sandwiches. I have not been offered a piece of blackened fish once in the last ten years and was very glad to see it on the menu. It’s been so long, I had kind of forgotten what even made fish blackened. Then I used the internet. See below if you’re interested in a solid Cajun blackened seasoning mix recipe – Continue reading

Rabbit Brats with Curried Cole Slaw

Bratwurst is traditionally served with Sauerkraut, which is fermented cabbage.  I really wanted to make some Brats and Sauerkraut but most recipes require 2-3 days for the cabbage to soak in all the brine.   So I opted to make a coleslaw which can be made in less then an hour.  However as I was cutting up the cabbage I thought it might be interesting to add more spice to the dressing.  Before I knew it I was making a curried coleslaw by chance.  It worked great with the Brat, which I cooked by simmering them slowly in beer and topping it with a spicy beer reduction.  Recipe below – Continue reading

How to Make Salt and Pepper Kale Chips (Why Make Salt and Pepper Kale Chips)

Kale is amazing, so says all people alive with mouths. You have a kale salad and it changes your whole life (here’s the one that changed mine). You feel great, your oxidants are getting zapped or whatever, and obviously your skin and hair look perfect instantly; you’re made entirely of vitamin K and fiber. You’re thinking, “I’m invincible. I will eat kale every day!” So you buy a bunch of kale and then like four days later, you’re thinking, ” Oh @!#&, I forgot we had kale. Now it’s all wilty.”

I’m not saying that this happened to me, but this weekend I did make some kale chips with some slightly wilted kale (pictured). Like kale itself, kale chips are amazing. I have been known to pay ten dollars a box for bombay cheddar kale chips at my local Organic Extortioners, so you know they’re good to eat plain. Kale chips are also great mixed back into raw salads to provide a different texture, like kale croutons. And somewhere I’ve been eating a sandwich that has a spread on it made out of roasted kale, cream cheese, and other delicious things. So you see, not only are kale chips good, they’re practically a staple that you should have around your house at all times, like eggs. Making them is easy – Continue reading